what fresh hell is this?

feltadilla

2011-03-16T15:40:00.000-07:00

Awesome birthday present from my favorite Canadian!

grandma beep-beep

2011-03-07T09:33:00.000-08:00

I'm driving to work this morning, listening to a ke$ha song I had no idea I knew the words to (don't you dare judge me!) when I heard a car horn. I glanced around, looked in the rear-view mirrors and didn't see the source of the honking. about a minute or so later, I hear the horn again. I look into my mirror and see it's the woman behind me making all the noise. she's an older woman, probably in her 60s, and she is really leaning hard on that horn. she flashes her brights at me, and now I'm feeling a swirl of annoyance, anger, amusement and only slight concern. is she trying to pass me? there's an empty lane at her disposal, she can easily go around me. is my tire flat? nope, feels fine. I remember opening my trunk this morning and storing the trader joe's shopping bag that had been sitting on the kitchen table all weekend, and I think perhaps a blanket fell and is sticking out of the trunk or something. the trunk isn't open, I know for sure because my car would be flashing the "bitch, you left the trunk open" warning light. during this whole internal monologue, old lady beep beep is honking up a storm. I can see her taking quick, successive drinks out of her travel coffee mug, then blaring her horn again.

I turn onto a small road where I can one, get away from her and two, pull over to check my car. I make the turn and am relieved to see she doesn't follow me. seriously, it would be just my luck to get stalked by some old lady. what kind of Lifetime Original Movie would that make? anyway, I pull over and run to the back of my car to find nothing. tires are fine, nothing sticking out of my trunk, trunk is closed, nothing on the window.... not a damn thing. I get back on the road and become obsessed with trying to figure out what the hell that woman was doing. was she just fucking with me? if so, bravo madam, that was hilarious and I tip my imaginary feathered cap to you. but if not, seriously, what gives? was she driving home from a rave and keeping beat to the music in her head with the car horn? was she listening to angry right-wing talk radio? was it smug left-wing talk radio, what???

don't dream it, be it

2011-03-03T13:59:00.000-08:00

this might be the most amazing thing I've even seen (involving a dog and unicorn). oliver better watch his back, because I'm determined to get one of those horns on his head.

I know that dog is giving the camera the stink eye, but I think there's a small part of him that is loving it.

2011-02-28T19:32:00.000-08:00

curtis and brian, raising the roof

2011-01-14T14:44:00.000-08:00

te amo, oliver.

squats of death

2010-09-22T12:20:00.000-07:00

I went to a zumba class for the first time in months last night, and now my body hates me. I knew the instructor, and I knew she was tough... but day-um! class ended with these crazy squats we had to hold then pulse, my fear of falling in public is the only thing that kept me up because my quad muscles were dead at that point.

the best part of class was the young girl who came in semi-bragging about having taken classes before. she looked around and saw a room full of older ladies, chubby girls and moms and thought she was going to dominate. she had to bail before the half-way mark. all it took was one quebradita to finish her off, she huffed and puffed to the back of the room before finally admitting she was too winded to go on.

dear co-worker,

2010-06-23T10:49:00.000-07:00

while I applaud your efforts at trying to be a good dad by bringing your daughter to work, I would like to point out that "babysitter" is not in my job description. the whirling dervish you call your child is currently sniffing white board markers and giving us both a killer high. as enjoyable as this is, I'm going to have to ask you to do something about her. lock her in the car, leash her to your wrist, sell her to gypsies, whatever. oh, and I will not be cleaning up the mess she made outside my office, you can handle that.
xoxo, vanessa

p.s. she just told me I had a big butt, "like her mom".

kid: 1
vanessa: 0

a warming trend

2010-05-26T11:18:00.001-07:00

none of us could figure out how to use the new thermostat that had been installed… once the read 64 degrees, someone finally got the courage to start fiddling around with it and began pushing buttons at random.

now, finally, the temp is going up and my hands are beginning to thaw out.

private eyes

2010-02-11T23:47:00.000-08:00

I kind of hate that I can't post/write whatever I want without paranoia gnawing away at me immediately after I hit "submit". wha-wha-wha we hate it when our friends become successful.

my best friend had to put her dog to sleep earlier this week, it broke my heart. but the old girl was in too much pain, she had 12 happy years and I hope she's chasing mailmen beyond the pearly doggy door in the sky.

I'm feeling restless, perhaps an early onset of wanderlust is approaching. but with limited funds, and a puppy I hate to leave for more than a few hours... what's a girl to do?

scratch 'n sniff

2010-01-12T00:27:00.000-08:00

yogurt made a small improvement, but now I'm looking into holy water and ancient rituals. anything to control oliver's gassy puppy butt.

waxing poetic

2009-09-16T21:32:00.000-07:00

these are difficult times, and my recent unemployed status has meant cutting back on certain things. one area that's suffered the most significant budget cuts is the beauty/pampering department. I've managed to cope without the overpriced haircuts, facials and spa treatments -- I'm a survivor, and I've scoured my local drugstores for thrifty alternatives with more than modest success.

earlier this year I took advantage of some good deals my gym (which also offers nice spa services) for pre-paid packages. I purchased three pre-paid wax treatments for eyebrows and upper lip, or as I like to call it, the latina special. sadly, about four weeks ago I used the third and final treatment. my eyebrows can probably take another couple of weeks of growth before my vision is obscured, but the 'stache was getting outta control. I recently came into some money (always thoroughly check all envelopes and boxes before throwing them out!) and instead of blowing it all on goofballs and more waxing, I decided to hit up my local drugstore and peruse their hair removal options. I quickly discarded bleach (orange mustache isn't the look I'm going for) and depilatories (the smell of nair still sends me into convulsions) which left me with either wax or some weird emery board contraption that's supposed to rub hair off your skin. after a quick mental picture of a raw, sandpapered face, I went ahead and chose
nad's facial strips.

I was ready for yet another at-home waxing disaster (spilled wax that haunted my bathroom floor for almost a decade), but I did have a dim ray of hope that these little beauties would help me go from furry to fabulous.

the kit contains 12 double strips (each double can be used for two applications), desensitizing wipes for treating the area before waxing and finishing wipes for cleaning up any leftover wax afterward. make sure your face is clean and dry before using the desensitizing wipe, then prepare for a burning sensation like you've never felt before. seriously, I thought my face was catching fire. wait for your face to dry and use the time to inspect your skin to make sure it's not red and bubbling. now, you take one of the double strips and use your hands to warm it up, kind of like mr. miyagi in the karate kid. I tried writing out a better description just now, but it kind of sounded like bad romance novel porn. peel the double strip apart to reveal two pre-waxed strips. smooth it down on your furry bits, go over it a few times to make sure it's attached properly... ready for it? hold your skin taut with one hand and let 'er rip!

I was so happy with the results! my facial hair is nothing to sneeze at, and if nad's can handle what my upper lip dishes out then I'm extremely impressed. the finishing wipes were a little too oily for my liking, so I'd probably skip that step or perhaps just cut the wipe into halves or quarters in the future.

I considered including before and after photos for this, but despite my many years in retail and office space hell, I still have a tiny shred of dignity left.

in conclusion:

p.s.
I'm not stupid enough to try to tackle my own eyebrows, for that I'm willing to save up and let a professional work her magic.

the gag reel

2009-05-20T09:13:00.001-07:00

today's lesson: don't try anything as complicated as gargling with listerine when you're still half asleep. why? because you might accidentally swallow a little bit and spend the next three minutes gagging into the sink.

kinda blah, but not bad blah

2009-05-01T11:16:00.000-07:00

now that the depeche mode free show has passed, I've hit a blah zone. nothing's wrong, I think I just might be in a bit of a rut. I've been crafting and actually just upped my skill level, so yay for me! but I need something else, a new project or adventure to get wrapped up in.

I wish that clothing construction class had worked out, it would have been a lot of fun and just think of the crazy crap I could have made for myself! I've tried making up for it by watching episodes of "project runway" on you tube. although it's entertaining, it's not quite enough.

perhaps baby steps are the best way to proceed. I'll start off with a banana malt for lunch, then move on from there.

yes, that sounds reasonable.

tea for two

2009-03-16T20:18:00.000-07:00

This picture of my mom reminded me of a scene in the movie "Grey Gardens", when Big Edie is sitting with a giraffe print blanket on her lap.

It just dawned on me that if we had more money, my mom and I would be a modern day Mexican Big Edie and Little Edie. I should start practicing my dancing and start collecting head scarves just in case.

valentine's day project

2009-02-02T17:41:00.001-08:00

Hang on to your sweet tooth... I was recently introduced to my new favorite blog, Bakerella, and the most recent entry almost knocked me out of my chair. Once I recover and wipe the drool from my monitor, I'm going to attempt the Valentine's Day Gift Box project! At the very least, I'm going to make those Red Velvet Cake Balls, which sound like something lifted straight out of my dreams. I apologize in advance to anyone in my neck of the woods for your soon to be expanding waistlines!