squats of death

I went to a zumba class for the first time in months last night, and now my body hates me. I knew the instructor, and I knew she was tough... but day-um! class ended with these crazy squats we had to hold then pulse, my fear of falling in public is the only thing that kept me up because my quad muscles were dead at that point.

the best part of class was the young girl who came in semi-bragging about having taken classes before. she looked around and saw a room full of older ladies, chubby girls and moms and thought she was going to dominate. she had to bail before the half-way mark. all it took was one quebradita to finish her off, she huffed and puffed to the back of the room before finally admitting she was too winded to go on.

dear co-worker,

while I applaud your efforts at trying to be a good dad by bringing your daughter to work, I would like to point out that "babysitter" is not in my job description. the whirling dervish you call your child is currently sniffing white board markers and giving us both a killer high. as enjoyable as this is, I'm going to have to ask you to do something about her. lock her in the car, leash her to your wrist, sell her to gypsies, whatever. oh, and I will not be cleaning up the mess she made outside my office, you can handle that.
xoxo, vanessa

p.s. she just told me I had a big butt, "like her mom".

kid: 1
vanessa: 0

a warming trend

none of us could figure out how to use the new thermostat that had been installed… once the read 64 degrees, someone finally got the courage to start fiddling around with it and began pushing buttons at random.

now, finally, the temp is going up and my hands are beginning to thaw out.

private eyes

I kind of hate that I can't post/write whatever I want without paranoia gnawing away at me immediately after I hit "submit". wha-wha-wha we hate it when our friends become successful.


my best friend had to put her dog to sleep earlier this week, it broke my heart. but the old girl was in too much pain, she had 12 happy years and I hope she's chasing mailmen beyond the pearly doggy door in the sky.


I'm feeling restless, perhaps an early onset of wanderlust is approaching. but with limited funds, and a puppy I hate to leave for more than a few hours... what's a girl to do?

scratch 'n sniff

yogurt made a small improvement, but now I'm looking into holy water and ancient rituals. anything to control oliver's gassy puppy butt.

waxing poetic

these are difficult times, and my recent unemployed status has meant cutting back on certain things. one area that's suffered the most significant budget cuts is the beauty/pampering department. I've managed to cope without the overpriced haircuts, facials and spa treatments -- I'm a survivor, and I've scoured my local drugstores for thrifty alternatives with more than modest success.


earlier this year I took advantage of some good deals my gym (which also offers nice spa services) for pre-paid packages. I purchased three pre-paid wax treatments for eyebrows and upper lip, or as I like to call it, the latina special. sadly, about four weeks ago I used the third and final treatment. my eyebrows can probably take another couple of weeks of growth before my vision is obscured, but the 'stache was getting outta control. I recently came into some money (always thoroughly check all envelopes and boxes before throwing them out!) and instead of blowing it all on goofballs and more waxing, I decided to hit up my local drugstore and peruse their hair removal options. I quickly discarded bleach (orange mustache isn't the look I'm going for) and depilatories (the smell of nair still sends me into convulsions) which left me with either wax or some weird emery board contraption that's supposed to rub hair off your skin. after a quick mental picture of a raw, sandpapered face, I went ahead and chose
nad's facial strips.




I was ready for yet another at-home waxing disaster (spilled wax that haunted my bathroom floor for almost a decade), but I did have a dim ray of hope that these little beauties would help me go from furry to fabulous.



the kit contains 12 double strips (each double can be used for two applications), desensitizing wipes for treating the area before waxing and finishing wipes for cleaning up any leftover wax afterward. make sure your face is clean and dry before using the desensitizing wipe, then prepare for a burning sensation like you've never felt before. seriously, I thought my face was catching fire. wait for your face to dry and use the time to inspect your skin to make sure it's not red and bubbling. now, you take one of the double strips and use your hands to warm it up, kind of like mr. miyagi in the karate kid. I tried writing out a better description just now, but it kind of sounded like bad romance novel porn. peel the double strip apart to reveal two pre-waxed strips. smooth it down on your furry bits, go over it a few times to make sure it's attached properly... ready for it? hold your skin taut with one hand and let 'er rip!

I was so happy with the results! my facial hair is nothing to sneeze at, and if nad's can handle what my upper lip dishes out then I'm extremely impressed. the finishing wipes were a little too oily for my liking, so I'd probably skip that step or perhaps just cut the wipe into halves or quarters in the future.

I considered including before and after photos for this, but despite my many years in retail and office space hell, I still have a tiny shred of dignity left.


in conclusion:




p.s.
I'm not stupid enough to try to tackle my own eyebrows, for that I'm willing to save up and let a professional work her magic.

the gag reel

today's lesson: don't try anything as complicated as gargling with listerine when you're still half asleep. why? because you might accidentally swallow a little bit and spend the next three minutes gagging into the sink.