Wednesday, March 16, 2011


Awesome birthday present from my favorite Canadian!

Monday, March 7, 2011

grandma beep-beep

I'm driving to work this morning, listening to a ke$ha song I had no idea I knew the words to (don't you dare judge me!) when I heard a car horn. I glanced around, looked in the rear-view mirrors and didn't see the source of the honking. about a minute or so later, I hear the horn again. I look into my mirror and see it's the woman behind me making all the noise. she's an older woman, probably in her 60s, and she is really leaning hard on that horn. she flashes her brights at me, and now I'm feeling a swirl of annoyance, anger, amusement and only slight concern. is she trying to pass me? there's an empty lane at her disposal, she can easily go around me. is my tire flat? nope, feels fine. I remember opening my trunk this morning and storing the trader joe's shopping bag that had been sitting on the kitchen table all weekend, and I think perhaps a blanket fell and is sticking out of the trunk or something. the trunk isn't open, I know for sure because my car would be flashing the "bitch, you left the trunk open" warning light. during this whole internal monologue, old lady beep beep is honking up a storm. I can see her taking quick, successive drinks out of her travel coffee mug, then blaring her horn again.

I turn onto a small road where I can one, get away from her and two, pull over to check my car. I make the turn and am relieved to see she doesn't follow me. seriously, it would be just my luck to get stalked by some old lady. what kind of Lifetime Original Movie would that make? anyway, I pull over and run to the back of my car to find nothing. tires are fine, nothing sticking out of my trunk, trunk is closed, nothing on the window.... not a damn thing. I get back on the road and become obsessed with trying to figure out what the hell that woman was doing. was she just fucking with me? if so, bravo madam, that was hilarious and I tip my imaginary feathered cap to you. but if not, seriously, what gives? was she driving home from a rave and keeping beat to the music in her head with the car horn? was she listening to angry right-wing talk radio? was it smug left-wing talk radio, what???

Thursday, March 3, 2011

don't dream it, be it

this might be the most amazing thing I've even seen (involving a dog and unicorn). oliver better watch his back, because I'm determined to get one of those horns on his head.

I know that dog is giving the camera the stink eye, but I think there's a small part of him that is loving it.

Monday, February 28, 2011

curtis and brian, raising the roof

Friday, January 14, 2011

te amo, oliver.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

squats of death

I went to a zumba class for the first time in months last night, and now my body hates me. I knew the instructor, and I knew she was tough... but day-um! class ended with these crazy squats we had to hold then pulse, my fear of falling in public is the only thing that kept me up because my quad muscles were dead at that point.

the best part of class was the young girl who came in semi-bragging about having taken classes before. she looked around and saw a room full of older ladies, chubby girls and moms and thought she was going to dominate. she had to bail before the half-way mark. all it took was one quebradita to finish her off, she huffed and puffed to the back of the room before finally admitting she was too winded to go on.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

dear co-worker,

while I applaud your efforts at trying to be a good dad by bringing your daughter to work, I would like to point out that "babysitter" is not in my job description. the whirling dervish you call your child is currently sniffing white board markers and giving us both a killer high. as enjoyable as this is, I'm going to have to ask you to do something about her. lock her in the car, leash her to your wrist, sell her to gypsies, whatever. oh, and I will not be cleaning up the mess she made outside my office, you can handle that.
xoxo, vanessa

p.s. she just told me I had a big butt, "like her mom".

kid: 1
vanessa: 0